Withdrawal – social or emotional detachment; an act of ending your involvement in something.
I’m experiencing both such forms at the moment.
Not being around my family is cutting pretty deep. I was able to go Oil City for 7 whole days – but it wasn’t nearly long enough. I guess the time I’m home never really is though. Of course coming to school is pretty amazing when you live in Alaska, don’t get me wrong. Yet I am finding that as each of us girls age, we have more fun together. That’s not to say that we don’t fight over the hairdryer or money or restaurants or makeup anymore… but all of it fades away in the end. For example:
January is a significant month for our family. Daddy passed away in January of 2005 – on the 12th. Therefore, January 12th, 2015 marked the 10 Year Anniversary of his passing, and like Mom said, “As fate would have it…” all four of us girls, herself and Dave were able to be together. Mom handed out some of Daddy’s belongings we recently acquired, and others that had been stashed away for an appropriate time such as The 10th Year. I came home with four ties of his and a fancy blue blazer that will get tailored for a woman’s frame. Good thing we all share clothes, hey girls? 😉
This time I spent with all of them was amazing, and I think that the news I brought to the fam jam at the beginning of my trip eased everyone’s soul just as much as it did mine.
I have decided to withdraw my application for The Peace Corps.
It’s all good. It really is. Yes – I am okay. No – nothing bad happened. I am 100% pleased with this decision that I made over the break. To be honest, thoughts and daydreams about pulling my application were creeping in the closer I got to ending my first semester of graduate school (which was nutzo!). I am remaining at UAF and finishing out my Master’s. I plan to be done with it by the 2-year mark, and anticipate a move home to Edmonton. I guess everything really changed for me when I realized my family was rooted someplace. I’ve been uprooted a few times, which caused me to be skeptical about the permanence of Edmonton being our “home.” That is different now.
I was sitting around chatting with some of my girlfriends the other night, and we were talking about The Peace Corps. Jordan said, “2 years will go by SO quick.” And it was then that I really knew it wasn’t for me. Ever since I got here, I’ve felt like those 2 years would be sooooooooo lonnnnnngggggggg. So long. I was feeling so discouraged about that much time away from my family, but I was so hellbent on my goals and aspirations that I never really checked in with that longing side of myself – the part of me that wants to be there.
The Way I See It #283 (yes, the ones from Starbucks cups): “The most important thing in life is stop saying “I wish” and start saying “I will.” Consider nothing impossible, then treat possibilities as probabilities.”
I am so tired of telling my family that I’ll “see them soon” or that “I wish I didn’t have to go.” While I loved being at Mississippi State for four years, and while I know that Alaska summoned me to it’s white, wintry, wonderland for a multitude of reasons, I am very ready to be near my family again. There was this moment I had – I’m not sure if it was a dream or a blink of time during yoga – but I felt like I had been stuck under water for so long, and finally made it to the top to breathe. When I got to the surface and gulped in air, my family was all around me, and I was “home.” I realized through this that I have full control of the situation, and don’t need to be feeling this way much longer.
I believe that The 10th Year of my father’s passing had a great deal to do with this realization, too. I am a gypsy soul – that is certain. Changeably curious, always and forever. But this girl is ready to have a tree and grow roots from it. And the orchard in which my tree will grow also holds the trees of my sisters and brother, and my Mom and Dave. How could I not want to be around this all of the time?
I’m hoping to get a job involving the reclamation efforts in the tar sands areas. That way I can travel, and have a home. Either that, or work my way up in an advocacy agency for environmental issues (WWF, Nature Conservancy, Audubon Society, etc.), or maybe even snag a gig with the Canadian Wildlife Service.
Yeah, I’m moving back to Canada.
You were right, Mom.
So I guess that’s the big update. You all know that I’ve gotten a bunny – that was in lieu of this decision. I spent so many moments of my life wishing for another one. Stop wishing. Start doing.
And with all of that being said, I am not sure what else to write about! I’m eager for summer. The cold is old.
I’m lucky to have had some dogs to babysit, a house to tend to, and a TON of “The L Word” to watch over my lonely holiday break – which overlapped with endless amounts of darkness. It was very dark.
I don’t mind the cold nearly as much as I thought I would though! It IS a tad annoying plugging in my car every 5 minutes, and my energy bill is going to be a bit outrageous next month (even with trying to conserve energy by charging electronics at school, turning off all lights all the time, and lowering the heat when I leave *sigh*)… but all in all, the winter ain’t so bad. We’ve had a couple of “cold snaps” where temperatures have gotten down to -40… and those days were, well… indoor days. The only sucky thing is having to use my outhouse when it’s that cold. Oh, and the absence of greens.
But usually, when I get frustrated or cold or depressed in these moments, I take a second to look up, see the stars, the sun, and listen for animals. This always reminds me of where I am – The Last Frontier.
I think I will have more to write about in the summer. Right now, we all just sit around, watch movies, exercise, and do homework. Once school is out, I’ll be working full time at The Pump House (which re-opens this weekend.. YAY!!) and I’ll be able to spend the countless hours of daylight fishing, hiking, loving my bunny, and running the trails.
Until next time, namaste.
And thank you so much for reading.